Underneath the Water
The role of vulnerability and the defenses
Resources and Reflections: The Tip of the Iceberg
The tip of the iceberg. This metaphor, like so many others, has always eluded me. Does it simply mean that the tip of the iceberg is just the beginning of something larger? This is how I have best understood it. But maybe that is only one layer of a fuller meaning, the dimensions of which now seem clearer in my mind.
The tip of the iceberg is what is visible. We see it’s shape and size, and define what we know based on what is above the water. However, there is so much more underneath, unseen to our eye. And without an awareness of what lies under the water, our understanding of the fuller phenomenon is greatly limited.
A child’s behavior, or our own for that matter, is often the “tip of the iceberg.” It is what is visible above the surface of the water. But to understand the size and shape of what lies underneath the water requires us to explore what is not necessarily visible, the shape of which is essential to grasp a fuller picture of the behavior itself.
The first episodes of Attachment Matters Season 2 focused on the three sides of maturation, and I published writing about each: the emergent process, the adaptive process, and the integrative process. What you will notice about Dr. Neufeld’s attachment-based developmental model is that it comes in threes. Maturation is one side of the big picture of development, with vulnerability and attachment as the next two sides. For reference, vulnerability was the focus of episodes 11, 12 and 13.
This post offers an overview of the construct of vulnerability, the three types of defenses, and the role the defenses may play “underneath the water” when children present with behavioral problems.
The Basics: Vulnerability and the Defenses
The human brain is equipped to block out what distresses us. When we experience wounding that is too much to bear, our brains kick in the defenses, to protect and, quite literally, defend us. For a sensitive child, or a child with hypersensitivity, the defenses may be employed to protect from not only hurt feelings, but also sensory overwhelm. While we can align our will with the defenses, much of this process is out of our conscious mind. When vulnerability is too much to bear, our brain moves to put on the armor of the defenses.
Dr. Neufeld’s construct of vulnerability is symbolized by a heart. The heart represents the center of human feelings and emotion. The reality is that if we feel, our feelings will inevitably get hurt. In this way, the defenses are a brilliant part of human design. The defenses are what we put on each day to move through a wounding environment, at work or at school. Each day, we may move through periods of being defended, depending on what environments we are in, and what is required of us. The hope is that at the end of the day, we may come home to a place of safety where we can lay those defenses down again.
Types of Defenses
Just like the model of maturation, Dr. Neufeld’s model of vulnerability and the defenses has three “sides.” Here are the three types of defenses that our brain can deploy to protect us from vulnerability:
Emotional Defenses - Defend us from feeling our vulnerable emotions. When our feelings are too hurt and the wounding is too much, our brain moves to block out feelings. When emotional defenses are up, we do not feel our emotions.
Perceptual Defenses - Defend us from “seeing” and perceiving that which could wound us. Perceptual defenses may be at play underneath some attention issues, as a child’s brain may be defended from attending to that which could wound them.
Attachment Defenses - Defend us from pursuing closeness and connection with those to whom we would normally be attached. When attachments are wounding, defenses kick in to put attachment “in reverse.” This includes defending against the instinct to be guided by, close to, or depend upon a parent who is responsible for our care.
It is important to note again that in a hypersensitive child, the defenses may be deployed to protect from sensory overwhelm, including the attachment defenses. If you have a sensitive or hypersensitive child, insight into the defenses becomes even more critical, as this is the terrain you must navigate on a daily basis.
The Flight from Vulnerability
While the defenses are a necessary and critical part of our existence, they become a problem when they “get stuck.” When there is no “end of the day” to soften and let our guard down, the defenses can become chronic. The implications of this are vast, as the brain cannot “move us” and defend us at the same time. When our hearts are covered in armor, we no longer feel, and when we no longer feel, we are no longer “moved.”
What are we no longer moved by? Some of the most vulnerable feelings that we may take for granted:
Feelings of alarm move us to caution
Feelings of attachment move us to care
Feelings of pursuit move us to draw near
Feelings of wanting to “lean on” move us to trust
Feelings of futility move us to tears
All of these feelings are vulnerable feelings, and they are essential to maturation. When we become stuck in a perpetual state of defense, our brain protects us from feeling, resulting in what Dr. Neufeld calls “the flight from vulnerability.”
Emotion: The Engine of Maturation
One of the areas of vast insight and knowledge within the Neufeld model is the understanding of emotion. Emotions are inner springs that are meant to “move us” in many ways, including moving us toward the spontaneous unfolding of maturation. Just the quickest glance at the list above already starts to give insight into the powerful role emotion plays in maturation. For example, without feeling the vulnerable feeling of futility, we cannot become adaptive beings, one of the fruits of maturation. Without the vulnerable feeling of attachment or being moved to care, we do not have the ability to “mix” care with alarm, and show courage. Overall, without the vulnerability of feeling, we cannot actually experience “mixed feelings,” the inner conflict and dissonance required for the development of the integrative process.
As Dr. Neufeld says, the brain is very good at spontaneously moving us to mature. The brain is also very good at defending against vulnerable feelings. However, the brain can’t do both at the same time. Vulnerable feelings are required in order for emergence, adaptation, and the integrative process to unfold. With the flight from vulnerability, this unfolding becomes stuck. While a child continues to grow older, they do not actually mature. This immaturity and its consequences are often confused with behavioral or learning problems, because that is what we see - the tip of the iceberg. When the child is prescribed medication based on those behaviors, all too often the medication works to further numb emotion. While a child may perform better with medication, there is a cost - blocking the uncomfortable feelings and emotions that are critical to maturation.
Insights: Below the Waterline
The attachment-based developmental model challenges us to look underneath the waterline, to try to “see” the unseen — what lies deeper than the symptoms of behavioral problems. If we dive below the water, we may find a child who is “stuck” developmentally, whose behavior reflects deficits in emergence, adaptation, and integration. When we dive deeper, we may realize that this child is also missing the pivotal feelings needed in order to be “moved” to mature. One layer deeper, we may now see that underneath the defenses is the experience of the child’s sensitivities being overwhelmed, and the brain moving to protect from vulnerability that is too much to bear.
What We See…Shapes What We Do
When we gain this insight, in the depths of the water, how does it change what we must do? How can our focus shift from the symptoms to the underlying causes? With an understanding of the defenses, we may come to see that traditional forms of discipline can be counterproductive, serving to lock the defenses in even more. If we can see our child as defended against vulnerability, how can that serve to soften our own defenses toward them? With our own hearts soft, we can have the courage to work, over the long haul, to provide the conditions that may help soften our child’s defenses.
Further Resources
The Neufeld Institute website offers many free editorials. Here are two that may offer particular insight around the topics of stuckness and vulnerability.
Reflections on Stuckness, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, October 2025.
Softening the Hardened Heart, Deborah MacNamara, July 2016